The childless brigade

I turn 33 in October. I'm technically single and I don't have kids. The latter part of my twenties were filled with not so subtle hints that I need to fulfil my duties as a woman and add an offspring to the human race. At that time, I thought I wanted a life that would take me off the beaten path. Plus, I was studying, partying, working; I thought my excuses for not wanting to bite the bullet were perfectly reasonable.

"Stay on the beaten track" they said. "It looks more enticing that way" said I.

Enter the BIG three oh!

The deeper I went into my thirties, the more frequent the hints. I'm from a village so I got it from family, friends and even the mama down the street with whom I had no real relations. The status of my virgin womb would be the topic of discussion just about anywhere: the local KFC, at a funeral, the dinner table. Everyone would drop their unsolicited two cents worth of wisdom.

I recall a time I bumped into a former school mate who saw me with my sister's two sons. She asked which one of them was mine and I said none. With a straight face she said "oh wow, you are such a disappointment!" I had to give Jesus the wheel. Lord knows that it would have stunk worse than a rotten egg had I gone with my instinctive response. I walked away instead.

Warning! Tenant inside.

I managed to walk away from my ex-school mate that day but the issue has followed me since. Every other day, some or other person is concerned with the status of my womb. They question why there still hasn't been a single tenant in there, even at this age. This got me wondering, could I be the only who endures this? Via a Facebook post, I asked childless women between the ages of 30 and 40 to share their stories with me. Most of their responses affirmed what I already know: society rarely likes deviants.

The childless brigade speaks

Below are edited answers from real women whose names have been changed. Their reasons for not having children range from medical, financial to lifestyle. 

Being held to impossible standards

The fabric of our society has undeniably changed and so have women over time. My grandmother was a domestic worker, not much else she could've been given the time she grew up in. My mom - slightly luckier - managed to carve out a career as a teacher. My generation was right at the cusp of a changing South Africa and have thus had access to even much more opportunities. 

So clearly, we are different from our mothers, who are also different from their mothers. Why then are we being held to the same standards that were applicable to those women? Why does society find it okay to question a woman's 'womanliness' when she does not have a child? Man, there are uneducated, economically inactive minors who are on baby number two or three. Are they better than a childless, self-reliant thirty-something-year-old because they have kids? Why is it even okay to ask women about the status of their wombs? How does one's uterus - something so private - become the subject of a discussion that's not even initiated by the owner?

As you can appreciate, I have more questions than answers. And quite frankly, I am a little bit like Mapula who is still questioning if she really wants a child or if it's just to meet some societal standard. 

Are you also a 30 something-year-old who does not have kids? Is it by choice? How do you deal with the constant queries from your environment? Or perhaps you are a guy and want to throw in a manly perspective to this conversation. Please, go ahead and drop me a line and let's engage.

You can also listen to the conversation between myself and SAFM's Asanda Beda about the above topic here.